Monday, February 26, 2007

The Marine Guide to Home Selling

Alright, listen up maggots!! Cuz I’m only gonna say this once. You say you want my advice on selling your Biloxi or Ocean Springs home? You think you’re ready for it? We’ll see. Carry on to your Real Estate selling boot camp.

You have questions? Oh, you think you’re entitled to them? You want answers? Of course not, you want the truth. YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!! Son (or daughter for those PC people) were live in a market where there are many homes! And those homes have to be sold by people with knowledge. Who’s going to sell them? You! You Mr. FSBO? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep cuz you want to save the commission and you curse the Realtors. You have that luxury. You also have the unfortunate “luxury” of not knowing what I know. Paying a commission, while tragic, probably will save you money. Using a realtor, while grotesque to you, probably saves you money! You don’t want the truth, because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want to use a Realtor, you need to use a Realtor! We use words like code, fiduciary responsibilities, and ethics. We use these words as the backbone of our lives spent learning our trade. You use them as punch lines! I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain my craft to a person (PC) who tries to save a dollar by trying to learn my craft and then complains about the manner in which I explain it. I would rather you just left a comment, said thank you for the advice and went about your way. Either way, I don’t give a darn what you think you’re entitled to. (A Few Good Men parody in case your were unsure)

While that little bit was amusing I’m sure you are seeking some true content. So hear goes. The Marine Guide to Home Selling for Biloxi and Ocean Springs Real Estate.

1) Press out your uniform- What’s the most memorable moment of any meeting? It’s the first impression. When a home buyer drives up to your nice piece of Biloxi real estate it should present an overall neat appearance. The house should be clean on the outside, if you’re house is white with hints of green, chances are those green accents aren’t a fashion statement. PRESSURE WASH YOUR HOUSE!!

2) A Fresh Hair Cut- I’ve never heard anyone, a home buyer or just personal friend, say, “you know David, I just love an overgrown yard.” Signs that it may be time to cut your grass or trim your hedges are things such as: while standing at the front door you can not accurately locate your mailbox; if you walk across your yard and the grass tickles your elbows; if it rains and your ground doesn’t get wet, these are all signs that it may be time to give the yard some TLC. Don’t forget to edge around those ears (sidewalks) also.

3) A clean shave- Take down the thirteen clocks you have on your kitchen wall. You may find it to be quite the display, others see it as an eyesore they can’t seem to look paste. And besides, are you so bad with telling time that you need 13 different birds to tell you the time every 15 minutes. Try to take you out of the house so the potential buyer can imagine themselves in the home. I know you love all the pictures of the yearly families escapades, but you want to allow the buyer to visualize they will be hanging their own memories on the walls. Not wondering what you did on your vacation. Not to say everyone will mind, but remember, we are trying to appeal to the masses.

4) Shine your boots- Let’s take a walk down the sidewalk of imagination. A business man walks up to you; he’s wearing a $1500 dollar Versace suit, I mean crisp, clean, press out, smelling good, everything. Can you picture this guy? Yea, that’s right, he’s the smooth character and all the ladies want him. That’s what you’re thinking. Then you look at his shoes and he’s got on some beat up old Nike’s. Now what are you thinking? You’re mind went straight to, what the heck is up with this guy? You just forgot about the rest of the package didn’t you? Same thing happens when a buyer walks into your house. You had them up until they saw your beat up carpet. By the way, is there even a vacuum cleaner in the same zip code as this rug? WOW!! And no, busted or broken hard wood floors doesn’t give anyone a nostalgia feeling.

5) Proper hygiene- Nothing at all is worse than talking to the guy at the office that drinks coffee all day and smokes like a chimney. You know who I’m talking about? Every office has one and he’s usually the guy that always likes to get really close so he can whisper some secret message to you. If you don’t know who this guy is ask yourself these questions? Do I smoke? Do I drink coffee? Am I that guy? If you answered yes to the first two, then the 3rd question is a yes also. Sorry man. Grab a tic tac, it’ll be fine. Anyway, let’s relate this to homes. Odors kill offers!! If it stinks like a pig, I’m sure you can fill in the rest. Make it smell good. And for my last tip today.

6) IF you’re 6’4 you don’t wear a small- In no way is a California King Size Bed ever appropriate for a 10 x 10 bedroom. On no planet, no market, no time!! Decorate and accommodate your rooms with an arrangement of furniture that makes it appear open and spacious. We’ll leave that at that.

So you wanted the truth? Well there you have it.

Blog Done. Carry On!!

1 comment:

Jonathan Greene said...

I was totally kidding when I said you should write a post about this. But, I like it. A lot.

The "Few Good Men" parody is in a whole new class of genius. Love it.

P.S. you should allow anonymous comments. Not everybody has a blogger or gmail account.